Clue: The Bret Eastion Ellis Special Edition

Those motherfuckers! Wow! I have a lot of agression coming across the keyboard today, but... those motherfuckers! Do you know what Hasbro has done?! They've changed Clue! That's right, not redesigned it, put it in a pretty anniversary edition box, or created yet another alternate version. NO! They've completely changed the fucking game; they've updated, so they say, for today's faster-paced, tabloid culture. The original game as we know it will cease when the new version starts hitting shelves this Fall.
The character's indentifying last names remain the same but now they go by Kasandra Scarlet, an actress more notable for being on tabloid covers than in movies, or Victor Plum, a young billionaire-video game designer. They're all young and sexy and so is the mansion with a spa, movie theatre room and a fucking guest house!
Oh really?! And where do Audrina and Lauren sleep when they come over to visit?!
But worst of all they've done gone n' fucked with our weapons!! The choices have expanded from 6 to 9 (because god only knows, in today's world we need more choices!!) and still include the candlestick, rope and knife but the lead pipe, revolver and wrench are complete history! New weapons include a dumbell and a trophy?! What about a bottle of Vicadin or a syringe of Botox?! A cocaine residue covered razor blade, anyone?
Now Jakob Green, an "...African-American with all the ins" killed Mr. Boddy in the Guest House with the Trophy?!

Die-harders may remember that this has been attempted once before with Clue: The Great Museum Caper, back in the early 1990's. That game reolved around one of the character's stealing Mr. Boddy's famous artwork from his three-dimensial game board gallery. It was a more intellectual, far superior sequel that was unfortunately discontinued, but the original version, at no time, had been taken off the market. How can they do this? Won't this upset people?

I mean, what's this world coming too?! You can't just change something that's that classic! And now the film rights to Clue, as I may have mentioned in a previous blog, are owned by whichever studio released Transformers (I can't recall at this moment) in a deal which the studio acquired rights to a handful of Hasbro board games like Candy Land and Battleship. If a newClue movie gets made before I get a chance to remake it myself, and if it's based in any way on this miserable, Gossip Girl-esque bullshit I'll burn Hasbro to the ground. That's a threat.

Thank you very much.